have you ever cried wolf

2010-05-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

I moved to
http://archieekins.tumblr.com/

Blogspot, you gave me a good few years, but im sick of being in hiding
Au revoir

2010-04-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

"She let out a laugh, and then put her hand over her mouth, like she was anry at herself for forgetting her sadness"

2010-04-22T16:14:00.000-07:00

"A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you’ve been drinking jack & coke all morning. she can make you feel high. full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. promise of a better day. promise of a greater hope. promise of a new tomorrow. this particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. in her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it’s going to be okay"

2010-04-22T16:06:00.001-07:00

What I meant to say was, sometimes I stare at the cigarette in my hand and beg it to stop wasting my time and just kill me. But I figured you didn't want to hear that

2010-04-22T16:05:00.001-07:00

History is way better if you picture tom cruise playing everyone

I've been kicked down to dirt

2010-04-21T00:38:00.001-07:00

"Numerous times, I’ve danced with the devil and have partaken in many rituals in which I never even signed up for, or bargained for. You asked me, “What does YOUR life amount to?” I say to you “What does it even matter? We’re not here to live, we’re here to survive and make the best of what we got, it’s life that is testing us and teaching us things we either take to heart, or spit out and never look back.”

Have you ever looked back? It’s not about the successes or the failures we make, it’s about the point in trying to achieve everything we are all worthy of. We are all worthy of something. Whether you believe it or not, we are all worthy of something.

I’ve taken sips of whisky with the loneliest of sailors and we sang the blues. I spoke of many things and how unhappy I was with where I was. He told me his ship had sailed to and fro many places, and how he had lost the battle to a treacherous tidal wave that took him down, I was taken down. He asked me well, “why don’t you fight the waters and build something new? “I replied with “there’s no hope in fighting for something that is already lost.” We both than took another swig and acted as if nothing was wrong, and pretended such conversation never took place. We knew it wasn’t going to register anyways, we knew we liked the life we chose and nothing currently amounted our preachings anyway.

Maybe all we needed was to fill our body with toxins at the time to learn to appreciate anything. All I know is that I wanted to fit in, but I didn’t even have the proper size shoes to walk in myself so, how is it I expected to be comfortably wrapped into the arms of something, or someone else? We both had one thing in common and that was that we not only fell off board but we found comfort in the shape of a bottle. Drinking like there was no tomorrow, there was always tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and it was the sun that had risen and a new day had been given. We wandered about and tried finding a better place to be. Life threw us many things in which we chose to trash. Day turned to night and it was empty conversations poured into the air, poured into our lungs. Everything we sang was flat and out of tune, but we didn’t care. All we breathed was the air of ignorance and a bottle of confidence. I thought we had it made and life’s worries ate our desolate minds. We ignored the calls, we ignored the falls.

It was one day I woke and something new was felt… Everything became exasperating and everything was painted differently. I looked everywhere for you but you were… Gone… Gone like the wind. It was then I realized… You were just a ghost and your teachings finally took place. I took a sigh of relief and finally started my journey towards the sun. I was alone but I was finally not afraid, I knew you were somewhere about laughing at the fool you had made. All I know is… It wasn’t me, what does your life amount to?"-Amber Haiku

2010-04-21T00:34:00.000-07:00

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place"

2010-04-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

"Save your words, save yourself
I won’t have it anymore, I really won’t

Take the ground you walk on and make it solid, because all I can see is eggshells being walked by each regarded step you take, can’t you feel them breaking at your own expense? Do you even care to know?

Your voice is screaming towards the heart of others, but don’t depend on your own self, can’t you see that you’re digging yourself straight to your own grave? I can tell you one thing and one thing only… Are you ready? Everyone is bound to be alone and when you’re dead and gone… Tell me one thing… Who will you have than? Who will have you than?"-amber haiku

2010-04-19T22:34:00.001-07:00

Make me nothing but bone

2010-04-19T00:29:00.001-07:00

"We walk amongst lost faces
Faded into the shadow cast
Of the people they represent

We men and women,
Even children
Have masks welded to our skeletons

All have felt frigid cold
Crawling, creeping in our skin
Seeping in with the assumptions
Of who we might be,
And probably are

Two seconds of interaction
Come and gone
In a passing glance

We all struggle
To constantly keep
The mask intact"

2010-04-19T00:05:00.001-07:00

"You’ve been hanging with the unloved kids, who you never really liked, and you never trusted. But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins. Never committing to anything, you don’t pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings"

2010-04-19T00:03:00.001-07:00

Blood on the carpet from a nosebleed in the bathroom from the lines on the book in the car from the years and years of heavy hearts and witless hands. I’d scrub it up but who the fuck am I to try and retract what I’ve done?

2010-04-14T23:57:00.001-07:00

When you lived here, it was a city. When you left, it became a town

2010-04-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

“Don’t ever think I chose to leave because I wanted to.
I didn’t.
It was more like I needed to.
We were killing each other.”

2010-04-13T17:06:00.001-07:00

"I am this book’s disaffected youth. I am your life’s idiosyncratic mind wrinkle. I will infect your soul. Kill me quickly. Unreal and trashy. Full of the ire of youth and distortions of anger. In that same vein, full of the blessings of life. Full of vigor. Ready to see that my future bear fruits of labor, and that I wipe my mouth clean of every rotten taste"

i haven't seen my baby since i've sold my soul

2010-04-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

"Tv’s on.

I hear the clang of game shows. I can hear their fucking hosts smiling at me.

The stairs fell down me today. My cat lost all its hair. I realized all the wood in my house is fake. I dug my fingernails under the varnish and pulled and pulled until it all came up, like a sheet of ice.

People are going nuts on the television because the bell rings and somebody says something right. It’s like the day of the dead, everybody’s dressed in skeletons and masks and jumping around screaming and wailing, eating marzipan and tamarind. Eisenstein’s having a field day. ¿Y usted?"

2010-04-12T17:58:00.001-07:00

"Goddammit. Sometimes I feel like past girlfriends are like ghosts. And they come out at night or times of weakness and haunt the shit out of me. I know they stand in the corners of my home and whisper to each other:

“Sarah”

“Melanie”

“Emily”

“Natalie”

“Yes?”

“Now.'"

Remember the past, but don't look back

2010-04-12T17:27:00.001-07:00

You told me you hoped I would have a good night

and that you loved me in a letter.

I was out gambling

and shooting men in the back.

I threw all my empty bottles

on the ground when I got upset.

I broke my fist on a brick wall.

You told me you loved me in a letter.

I am such a fucking asshole

2010-04-12T17:26:00.001-07:00

I don’t know where I’ve been. I’ve been living inside of minutes, cardboard boxes, car seats, backpacks, sad feelings. I’ve been nothing much of anything. I’ve been pretty pathetic. I’ve been acting like I was tough shit. I’ve been nobody in particular. I think soon enough I’ll just become the sum of all of my misdeeds. And then everybody will forget I existed. I will be the infection in your leg. The bad taste in your mouth

2010-04-12T17:25:00.001-07:00

Sleeping in a basement filled with rap, dirt, and my best friends. We drank ourselves silly, smoked ourselves silly, talked ourselves out. Not but 12 hours ago I was waking up. We had spent the night yelling off of a fire escape, drinking, and telling everyone how much we loved/hated/indifferented one another. It’s just another day in the life of the inane and confused; we aren’t much but we are existant, and I guess that’s something to brag about

2010-04-12T17:22:00.001-07:00

"I fell down all of my steps. I chewed the skin out of both cheeks. I bit all of my nails until they were perfectly trimmed. I took pills and bottles. I took showers. All just to pass the time."

2010-04-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

"I lose my voice whenever I have nothing left to say. I do this intentionally. I force myself to stay up too late, I drink too much, I eat very little, and I scream the words to my favorite songs in my car. Then I get sick, and I lose my voice. I do this because it’s easier to have an excuse for not talking to anyone."

2010-04-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

"Oh, to all of the girls I’ve ever loved. I wish it could have worked, but I’m much too stubborn to consider inviting you back in. I’d like, truly, only to kiss your cheeks and tell you that you have nice legs, again. We will be together, in my thoughts only. I will take you to San Diego, only in my thoughts. We will never have to worry about one another in real life, again. You will all marry. I will accumulate more girls that I love"

Model; Mary Scott

2010-04-12T16:52:00.001-07:00

"One time I was at your house for New Years, that one house up in Indianapolis out in the middle of the soy and cornfields, where the county roads ran on a grid system and every stop sign had a pothole next to it. We’d been dating for almost two years, and you’d known I hated your guts for about a year. You hated me too, but you were too selfish to give up and I was too scared to tell you to give up, so we hated this place and we hated each other. We had so much hate that sometimes it got squeezed out of us and that’s when we would fight or fuck, violently and loudly and sometimes I’d slam things and you’d hit me, and you’d cry and I wasn’t allowed to touch you. That’s all we did. Fight and fuck.

So it was New Years Eve and we were sitting in the kitchen with your little sister. She was 6 at the time. We were playing Uno. This was after you’d found out how I felt about Sarah, and it was after you’d changed your plans for me. So you hated me very much I suppose and all I could say since you’d found out about Sarah was “I’m sorry.” I said it so much, so often, and so LARGELY, that you’d started to hate that too. So we were playing Uno and all year I’d been saying sorry, I’m sorry, you dropped a knife, I’m sorry, your class is hard, I’m sorry, your car is broken, I’m sorry, my family hates you, I’m sorry. Well your sister laid down a card and I told her it was the wrong card, and she said that she was right and it was the right card. Well it was, and I said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m sorry.” I couldn’t stop I guess, that’s how it was. And she told me, “You don’t need to say you’re sorry.”

I walked into the bathroom and began to cry. You knocked on the door and said you were going upstairs. I had a nervous breakdown. We fought, and then we fucked, and then we went home a week later."

Model; Mary Scott

2010-04-12T16:48:00.001-07:00

"Oh all the world’s on fire, in this midday heat. The asphalt glimmers and creates swimming pools that levitate and shake. The sun washes out the colors; everything looks liked bleached bones. We stuff ourselves on chain-restaurant food. Even the smallest portions are too much. I miss Europe and its digestible allotments, its dark skies, moody relfections. My skin feels warm like darned wool. I look at my elbow and there’s a string hanging down. I go to pull it away, and to my surprise it’s not attached to my rolled shirt sleeve. It’s a piece of my elbow. I tug gingerly and it begins to unravel. I look around quietly, wondering whether or not I should tell anyone, but decide against it when my lips begin to slip off my face. I collect their stringy remnants and stuff them into my pocket. I tuck my elbow into my shirt sleeve, which I roll down towards my forearm. I sit on a bench. I watch the birds in the sky. I wonder when it will get dark."

Model; Mary scott

2010-04-12T16:47:00.003-07:00

You don’t know what you want. You barely communicate. You say plenty, but none of it actually holds any weight. I cannot blame you for this, because I know that deep down you don’t realize what you’re doing. I know that deep down you’re scared and confused; you only want to be loved. To feel good about your choices. To have things righted. But you make some stupid fucking choices. You burn all your bridges, and then say it was an accident. You told me that when you prayed, you never knew what to say. You said that you never knew how to level with God. Be honest to yourself, and maybe that’ll help. When you aren’t trying to lie to yourself, then you’ll know what to tell God. And everyone else. Hell, you might even be able to write your book. But I don’t have much faith in any of that.

Photo by; Mary Scott
Model; Spence Dagneau

2010-04-12T16:47:00.001-07:00

"We drove through Helena. We went up to Edmonton. We found nothing, nothing, nothing. Trees. Nothing. We drank in the car. We drank while we drove. We had big mouths. We didn’t know what we were doing. We peed against trees. We slept tangled up in the back seat. You said you wanted to be back at home, with your wood floors and roommates. You said your head felt too heavy. You said your lids were sliding shut like windows. I got sick, you got sick. We never slept. You smoked. I smoked when I got drunk. We felt confined, like the world wasn’t big enough. Edmonton was too far to go. We should have stopped at the border. But that wasn’t enough. We wanted to go to Vancouver, but we ran out of money. I’d never been to the bottom like that, but it didn’t feel good. Thank God your sister had the money to bail us out. I never called home. When I finally did, on a pay phone, my mother was too loud and so I hung up."

Photo by; Mary scott
Model; Spence Dagneau

2010-04-12T16:45:00.001-07:00

"You called me and were too sweet to me. I was trying to tell you the truth and it couldn’t fit out of my mouth. It felt like I was trying to spit out hair. I didn’t want to do that to you. I listened and quietly hoped this wasn’t real, all of this world I was living in wasn’t real. But it was and I had to tell you. It was quiet and you sounded confused. Then you were too sweet again and I wanted to vomit. You ended up when I told you the rest of it all. When I told you of all the people I’d been seeing, what I’d done. But still you were sweet. You wiped your mouth and told me you loved me. I felt remorse, I did. But give me a break. I was tired, I was vulnerable. I felt more remorse leaving my car in Texas.

That’s not true. I’m just trying not to let all of this failure taint my vision. It’s like looking through onion stained glass. Yellow and foggy and painful and beautiful."

Photo by; Mary scott

Model; Spence Dagneau

2010-04-12T16:43:00.001-07:00

Packing all my suitcases. And by all, I mean my only one. Throwing things into the trunk of my car. I’ve put this off for far too long. The reality of my leaving feels like falling in repetition. Streaming down through nothing only to realize it and experience it again. I’m leaving nothing, going towards nothing, feeling everything. I want a good looking girl in that front seat with me. I’ve had a good couple women over the past few months. Those that leave my lips bruised and my head a mess. Those with a lot of leg, delicate curves, small, vigorous. Ready to fuck my world up. Put one of those in the front seat and we’ll go spinning across the continent like a loose bottle.

2010-04-12T16:37:00.001-07:00

"Did you think I was cool when you met me? I worried about that. I worried that you would think I was too much when you met me. Because I was listening to Grizzly Bear while we watched Irma Vep movies, because I was too high to think straight and fell asleep all the time and wore those fake topsiders and hated everybody in that class. I worried that you would think I was trying to be cool, and think that I was failing because all of those things were pretty not cool. But I didn’t care a lot and you said “So you’re pretty eccentric huh?” when you met me and I said, “I don’t think so, no?” And I was confused. So we just danced at Sundance and drank filthy Stella Artois and kissed like hands trying to hold each other"

2010-04-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

"I met new people, I got a new place, I got a new car, I got a new phone, I got new numbers, I got a new look, I cut my hair, I bought new shit, I threw away old shit, I hid all of your shit, I listened to the same music, but I listened to it in a new way, I was different, but you kept texting me, calling me, sneaking out to see me, telling me you liked who I was, saying I wasn’t anything new. I wonder when I’ll know what to say back to you. All I can ever say is “Keep yourself safe kid” and “Goddammit I miss you”.

I should be saying, “There’s no going back.'"

2010-04-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

"I am the physical embodiment of a story. Every time I move my arm or open my mouth or words stumble off of my tongue and I make a fool of myself, it’s another page, another sentence, another scene in a story I’ll tell later, at some later date, as if all of that is in the past, behind me now. But that’s a big lie, like most of the stories I tell, because like I said, I am the physical embodiment of a story, and I’ll just continue writing it all with the swaying motion of my tongue and arms and lungs.

I tell stories sometimes to relate, escape, entertain, and connect with others. But mostly I tell stories because, as a child, I realized that nothing would properly convey the way that I felt, what I wanted, or where I needed to be the way that a story could. A specific example would be every time that I’ve lied about seeing a movie when someone asks a group “Has anyone seen [insert movie here]??” I’d say yes, of course! Of course I have, I thought we were the only ones! And instantly I’d created a story, a story about a time I’d gone to the movies with a family member or by myself or with friends. And it had a theatre name (Westpointe Plaza Movies 10), a time (1:20 PM Saturday, August 12^th), and an opinion (Eh, it was alright). I did all of this because the truth of the matter, deep down underneath the folds of the details and lies, was that I wanted to be accepted and understood.

This is the reason I lie. This is the reason I tell stories. This is the reason I am alive"

2010-04-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

If I could, I’d write a poem for every single woman I see, Whose skirts and dresses blew in the wind. Against their knees and thighs and calves, Because that’s all I want to write poetry about

2010-04-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t miss you when I’m reading Michael Chabon stories outloud to my friends.

I don’t miss you when I’m eating a steak I grilled for myself.
I don’t miss you when I talk to my family and they ask about you.
I don’t miss you when I walk across campus.
I don’t miss you when I drink at night.

I do miss you, however, when I sleep at night, when I drive out to Heber, when I eat Arby’s, when I listen to Andrew Bird, and when I think of Thanksgiving.

These things don’t matter though. All of it is an illusion.

2010-04-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

"I always get scared that at some point I’m just going to lose it and just sell all my shit. Get in my car and drive to Ottawa. Ditch the car when I run out of money and start hopping trains. It’s weird because I don’t feel like I’m that far away from all of that, not when I’m sitting in my basement apartment staring at my walls, or when I’m walking through the streets in this fucking town, or when I get in my car, start the engine, and turn on some good jams. I feel like I could be in a gutter eating mystery pills. It wouldn’t be so different from my life here right now. Pills and whiskey in a movie theatre, open mouths in a bathroom with flickering florescents, shoes worn through from walking, loose change clattering in my pocket like it needs a pay phone.

One day I know I’ll make that decision. The decision between being a kid with nothing and a piece of mind, or a kid with everything and no peace"

2010-04-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

Shaking my legs, listening to Gram Parsons singin’ “Ooh Las Vegas, ain’t no place for a poor boy like me” and I think about the heat seeping out of the rocks after the sun’s gone down, about sitting on the hood of my car, lonelier than I wanted to be. I’d blown my last few bucks on a sandwich on the outskirts of town and I was trying to hit San Bernadino before midnight. The insanity of summer, of rough haired youth, of unsteady feet and free wheeling assumption; these things made me want to drive straight to the coast, straight to Vista, and get laid, get high, get sadder, get empty, get happier, get fuller, get in the water. I ended up bouncing around condos, running red lights, and wearing mismatched three-piece suits. We swam in the ocean on the way to L.A. just to feel the coast underfoot. You made my head a mess, I’m telling you.

Photo by; Matia Theodosakis
Model; Mary scott

2010-04-11T20:51:00.001-07:00

I want to get this chip off of my shoulder. It’s too heavy to lift and whiskey doesn’t really wash it off entirely. I need some pretty girl with good legs to come and knock me on my ass. That way I can leave it in the dirt when I stand up to ask her number

Photo by; Matia Theodosakis
Model; Mary scott

2010-04-11T20:47:00.003-07:00

I’m sick of sitting around, waiting for shit to happen. Or, I guess, waiting to get my shit together. I’ve got these big circles around my eyes, and all I want is to see those dirty roads, those reservations with “Meth kills” sprayed up onto concrete dance hall walls. I want the American West. Not this town, this place, this time.

Photo by; Matia Theodosakis
Model; Mary scott

2010-04-11T20:47:00.001-07:00

"You can’t tell me this is getting better. I’ve ended up on more beds and couches this year than I’d ever thought was possible. And when I wake up, I don’t crave my own home, my own shower. I think to myself, “Where I is is where I am” and I stretch my legs just like a cat and wonder when I’ll ever get back home. My head throbs and my heart aches but what can one do? Get higher, get more lost."

Photo by; Matia Theodosakis
Model; Mary Scott

2010-04-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

I liked that you called me and left me a drunkmail at 3 in the afternoon. You sounded almost like you were crying, but also kind of like you were smiling. You said to call you back at “this number anytime” but you never gave me a number to call, and at the end you yelled to all of your friends around you, “I didn’t even give a number I’m so stupid oh man” and then you laughed and I loved it and I wish I was there in that state not this state; double entendre.

You’ve got the name, the face, and the whimsy of a classic french actress. You’ve got the accent of a southern bell. You’ve got the personality of someone I’d like to see everyday for as long as I live. Oh and you’ve got lips that read mine perfectly. That always helps.

Photo by; Matia Theodosakis

Model; Mary Scott

2010-04-09T18:32:00.002-07:00

So where am I now? Where is my place? I spend my weekends playing with friends, wondering when it will all end. My weekends pass like minutes. My weekdays like miles. I’d marry any beautiful girl if all she offered was unending liquour and a gracious frown. I want to just. Be. I want to just. Feel. Like I told you in a text, “I’m always going to be a Charlie and you’re always going to be a Sam.”

It’s true. I’ve never deserved true companionship. I got stoned or drunk around you, secretly, too many times to warrant that. All I deserve is my crutches and my velocity. We speed across the universe at so many miles per hour. But I couldn’t accept that as I grabbed your thighs and hit the gas, skidding across the ice and snow in the Ohian New Year.

I’m moving to Brazil, New York, Paris, London, and Minsk. I’m not fucking sitting around anymore, wondering where these years have gone. I’ll punch my face before I punch the wall. And I’ve broken a lot of dry wall in my day.

Photo by; Matia Theodosakis

Model; mary scott

2010-04-09T18:32:00.001-07:00

What is it the Greeks said about looking back? Or was it the Germans? Or the Aztecs? Something about how nostalgia is an insurance plan for a crummy future? Maybe they said it better. Regardless of who said it how, I can’t help but get sucked into all of those memories. I want to kiss every single person in every single picture and tell them that it’s good to see them again, let’s sit and catch up. I think this will be ten times worse when my friends begin to die.

2010-04-09T18:16:00.001-07:00

"And tonight my prayer was:

Another weekend gone where I haven’t bought cocaine, those expensive pills, a gun and a Bible, or a bus ticket to Vegas. But I have gotten drunk, ingested theory, slept very little; and I’m sure not saved yet. Who says any of those are good or bad; I’m just recording what’s new and what’s old.

Amen."

The boy

2010-04-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

We got stoned on cheap wine and ran around playing nickel games in arcades, yelling out the windows, blowing our money, sleeping in foreign beds, making out in the back of old school pick up trucks. It messed my head up pretty well, but I don’t regret it. At least I’m not bored

2010-04-07T23:19:00.001-07:00

I bit my lip when I saw you playing piano. I had made a promise to myself, the night before as I drank a bottle of wine and laughed at Bukowski in bed, that I was going to totally up-end my life like a ripped open railroad car. When I saw you, I knew just how I’d do it. And from there we went, stupid and in love, hands entwined, our lips sealed shut against each other, same beds, same nights, same days, same storms, same head trauma, same bottles of liquor, same books, same journals, same awful awful goodbye when we both knew it was over, we’d made a mess and there was no one to clean us up.

I told you that Clarence Hemingway fell in love with his wife’s voice before he ever saw her. I think it meant something, but who ever knows?

2010-04-07T23:14:00.002-07:00

All my bones are sunken in

like floorboards in a basement.

I can grab your memory from behind

just to feel it hit me in the chest.

2010-04-07T23:14:00.001-07:00

Live in vagaries. It makes it easier to take when I’m sucking on a Marlboro or trying to sleep in a stranger’s bed. If I live in sort-ofs and just-abouts, I don’t have to deal with definitelys and you-fucked-ups

2010-04-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

"I cracked my existence open with a flat smack from the palm of my hand, I’m bleeding time, it’s on my bed sheets, coursing over my wrists and forearms, and I wake up disoriented. I was born without a fucking clue."

2010-04-07T23:09:00.000-07:00

You used to eat frozen cherries and I’d admired the way the juice stained your lips and fingertips. My house is too loud, the floors crack under the weight of too many feet coming and going, their voices seeping through the carpet, cigarette smoke and fake smiles.

I’d give anything to watch you eat those cherries, mainly because I could be back in that eternal summer of youth.

2010-04-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

"What is terrible is not death, but the lives people live or dont live up tp their death. They don't honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow god without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, They let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them great music of the centuries and they cant hear it. Most peoples deaths are a sham. There's nothing left to die"

2010-04-06T23:57:00.001-07:00

"I don’t want to be your lover. I don’t want to be your valentine. I don’t want our lips to touch. I’d rather stab myself in the fucking eye.

I’m a bachelor for life. I’m a future cat owner for sure. I’m George Bernard Shaw, without a conscience. I’m a piece of wallpaper"

Learn your lesson, fucking kids

2010-04-06T15:04:00.000-07:00

She speaks to me in Persian
Tells me that she loves me
The girl with golden eyes
And though I hardly know her
I let her in my veins
And trust her with my life

I wish I had never kissed her
'Cause I just can't resist her
The girl with golden eyes
Every time she whispers
'Take me in your arms
The way you did last night.'

Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

I wake up every morning
Jonesing for her love
The girl with golden eyes
I won't have to wait long
'Til she buries me with roses
'Cause she's always by my side

Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

Day one. Dope free. I went to the clinic today and got the first dose of methadone.
I'm out of dope so I threw away all my rigs.
Day two. I can't believe it's been two days without junk.
Fucking smack, it just ruins peoples' lives.
At first it seems so sweet, then you wake up next to a monster.
Day three. I haven't had anything for three days now.
This withdrawal is killing me. It's like shock therapy to my guts.
Day four. Last visit to the clinic. My whole body feels like it's cracking into pieces.
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.
Day five-- I'm sick as a dog, but this handful of painkillers
and a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through.
Day six-- When I'm left to my own devices I go fucking insane.
I'll never use heroin again.
Day seven; I can't believe I'm clean!
Day eight; Everyone says I look better
Day nine; The parasites are panicking
Day ten; They seem amazed that I'm alive!

Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.
Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

2010-04-01T00:11:00.001-07:00

I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, “Why?” Why did I cause so much pain? Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, “No, that’s not right.” Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can’t teach God anything. Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

2010-03-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if loneliness can ever fully be cured from someone. It’s like a wretched disease that buries itself so far deep inside your bones, that even if it’s subsided by a touch or a night or even years spent with another, that it could still come back to haunt you. I don’t know if I can cure your loneliness, but I can come over and we can make hot chocolate (Because I know you’re cold) and lay beneath the covers of your bed and play that I-wonder-how-long-it-takes-to-suffocate-by-the-way-it-smells-like-mint-under-here game until we fall asleep. Sound good?

2010-03-31T23:47:00.000-07:00

"I was in Hollister this past weekend while I was at the mall, and you know what I really, really, really fucking hate? How annoying every person that works there is so fucking annoying. It started the exact moment I stepped through the (walkway?) thing and looked at the girl standing there. Alright, it’s cool that your hair is down to your ass and you’re wearing the skimpiest tank top ever in the world, but do you really have to scream “HEY, WHAT’S UP?” in my face to me FOUR times? No, I don’t think so. And you, macho man in the back pretending to fold clothes but secretly staring at my ass when I walk by, you already asked me if I needed help three times, and no, I do not need a dressing room, thank you very much. But you could use this twenty and buy yourself a shirt that’s not three sizes too small, because you wish to show off the guns you just do. not. have. And I swear to god, blonde girl at the cash register, if you ask me to sign up for some bullshit ass thing ONE MORE TIME when I walk past, I will shove my foot so far up your god damn ass that you will be licking my toes all of Spring Break. And by the way, yes, I was there for half an hour, and yes, I had four items in my hand - things I didn’t “LOVE” but things that I suppose just “CAUGHT MY EYE”, but when I went back to the front to look at the jeans - girl with the skimpy tank-top, oh you just sent me over the edge. So while you were smiling extremely fake at me and waiting for me to run out of the door with it in my hand, I smiled shyly and shoved all of my items underneath a pile of shirts - and yes, I did make sure you were looking. Just so I could see the pain fill your eyes and hatred fill your veins when you realized you were going to have to fold everything all over again. But by that time I was gone, no sympathy whatsoever, because it’s not like you were actually doing something anyway."

2010-03-31T23:45:00.001-07:00

You always said looking into my eyes was one of the hardest things for you to do. I took it as a compliment at the time, never to comprehend until years later, when I would understand that what you said was a hint from you. It wasn’t that my eyes were too beautiful and overpowering to stare into, it was that you couldn’t bear to look at them and beyond the darkness of your past - you couldn’t face the truth. And I don’t blame you, I would’ve gone running too.

Pour salt in the wound

2010-03-22T00:08:00.000-07:00

So you tried to put a fire out, but you used gasoline

2010-03-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

"City of the dead. At the end of another lost highway. Signs misleading to nowhere.
City of the damned. Lost children with dirty faces today. No one really seems to care"

We are the kids of war and peace

2010-03-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

"I'm the son of rage and love. The Jesus of Suburbia. From the bible of none of the above. On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin. No one ever died for my sins in hell. As far as I can tell, at least the ones I got away with"

2010-03-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

While art might be the melody society hums to itself, artists are the bass notes.

You only notice them when they're gone.

2010-03-20T01:09:00.000-07:00

"I love you, and because i love you, i would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies"

2010-03-20T01:02:00.000-07:00

"It feels like I’m screaming in a glass box and the only response I hear is my own echo. No one gets me, do you even know what I am saying to you anymore?"

2010-03-20T00:29:00.001-07:00

I'm with them because, despite everything, I still love them. And while you might walk in and find me punching a wall, it's only because I want to kiss their lips.

There's no revenge here.

Love doesn't hate back.

2010-03-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

"Memories cause love.
love kills"

2010-03-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

You know all their stories but none of their stories know you.

And you've felt all their pain but their pain has never bothered feeling you.

So you take their medicine. Even though you've had too much medicine.

2010-03-07T13:51:00.001-08:00

"Awakened to the taste of cheap wine and bad decisions"

2010-03-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

"I don't like you anymore
Cracked and your face is changing
You're going down the old route
But I can't let your repeat and repeat it again
The sound of your voice
Is piercing my patience
As you turn through the midnight corridors"

2010-03-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

I never slept that well next to you. But at least I slept

2010-03-05T23:46:00.000-08:00

Everything you do, you pay for. So if you're going to kiss me, you'd best be prepared to bleed

2010-03-05T23:26:00.000-08:00

"I'd love to spend the night but you found someone else to lay beside, and I know it makes sense but it's like sand in my eyes, maybe I was meant to be left behind"

2010-03-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

"no one dies virgin, life screws us all"

2010-03-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

"You’re not coming back for me, these things they will never be. I’m so used to being wrong, so put me where I belong. I’ll get back to you, God knows I try, but I still lose. And I get back to you, these days run by, but I still lose. Angels say they can make you suffer. They give and take like a vicious lover when all this loses meaning, you’ll never want it back somehow. Awake but still I’m dreaming… And never waking up. Alone… Where I’m not alone… Alone… Alone…"

2010-03-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

If you get between me and the things I love, I will ask you politely to move.

If you get between me and the people I love, you will move

2010-02-24T15:22:00.001-08:00

"Our graves are laid to rest but how much of us are already sleeping? We lay our head to rest each night and dream of things that seem impartial, but can’t you feel your inner-self screaming things we’ve been to blind to see, what are these memories you speak of? Some of us become restless souls and the only light we see; it’s the only air we breathe. I am having a hard time deciphering fact from fiction, but its you who is lingering in the depths of my mind. You’re so far down that I can’t even see past the darkness you’ve created. You’re wandering down corridors and are given nothing but the sight of created illusion, can you see my ghost? Can you even hear me calling you? Our senses become useless everyday but we choose what we want to disregard, don’t we? I’ve hit a mine, can you stay awhile? Please, just say you’ll stay for awhile. I might be a day or two, but once I set sail these feelings will be one with the sea. Our hearts will be our guide and our minds will be laid to rest. We’ll look below and swim above to everything ever to be known. We’ll throw our compass out the window and watch time direct us to a place where infinity lies. I can feel the sun rising and the storm is slowly departing. We’ll find the shore and crash to the sound of the tidal waves. It’s you who I want to be near, it’s you in which I see the light. Please, just say you’ll stay awhile"-Amber haiku

2010-02-24T15:18:00.001-08:00

"You’re always pleasing people but really just pleasing the liar in yourself, who am I to say these things? I’m just someone that remotely sees everything in your misguided heart. I’m just a remedy of collected memory you stored in the back of your mind. You can call me a ghost, you can call me a season, you can call me a mistake, you can call me a regret, you can call me anything you want. God damn, I’ll be it because my self-worth has been proven to be greater than what you exceed to be. While I’m out there finding myself - You’re out there setting traps, and getting set up for things you don’t even realize yet. You’re out there losing yourself to a point of not even realizing it. You’re such a beautiful thing of destruction; young and oblivious and you create your own wars, how many battles do you fight with yourself everyday, honestly? I’m not trying to speak in spite because where is that even going to get me? I speak in the hopes of leveling some kind of understanding, but really? You spend so much time wandering in the shoes of people that you’re never going to cure. You can’t cure a sickness that is already heavy and one with a person. Whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. You can’t be someone’s back bone; when they can’t even stand-up themselves, when are you ever going to learn? You sit in self-secluded silence but you say you like it? No wonder you have nothing to say, you’re always worrying about all the wrong things. Sooner or later you’re going to end up back to square one. Hell, you’re already half-way there"-Amber haiku

2010-02-24T15:13:00.001-08:00

Hell, I might as well become another memory to you. I’m half-way there already

2010-02-19T16:24:00.000-08:00

At times of adolescences, teens or should I say young adults find themselves overwhelmed and pressured by what the real world throws at them. They fall, they break, and crumble at the seems. But well be reminded anything is possible; No matter what a person has done, did ,or will do. Girls will cry, boys will fight, they will all experiment. Some more than others. Sex, love and all the drugs. No matter how hard they"ll hit the floor, it makes up for some subconscious hatred most people carry around with them, almost like those fashionable backpacks.

A lot of times people don't do the bolder thing to do, don't yeah think? You could have no friends, no girlfriends/boyfriends, nor a good life with your family. Could you imagine your life being just you? Couldn't you just almost imagine not wanting to breathe, or feel? Walking alone is as if you've been walking with the dead all this time. Your heads spinning, everything looks like a cartoon, you fall. Who was there that helped you up? Didn't you ever think you could stop? Have yourself a good ole' reality check?

Right down to the point. Have yourself a life to live. Breath more today, knowing just maybe you won't be able to tomorrow. Your so beautiful inside and out, no, nobody can bring you down. With the things and mistakes that have happened. Think of not today or yesterday, but how about next year? Think of your possibilities. Think of your life. Think of your family. Just sit, and think. With so much love, and life around. Just know that any decision you make today, will show you tomorrow.

Yeah maybe a few years ago, you've never been so low. Yeah maybe it was hard to move on, but baby your better than that. You have so much to see, hear, touch and learn. Reborn. New. Clean minded. With your hands weak but your heart strong, you will knock them all dead.

As I sit here writing this thinking with my own thoughts, not writing or rewording anybody Else's. I'm me and what more could I want? The things I do and or like, are me. The music I listen too, the clothes I like, the people I call my friends, my partying habits, my grades, my attitude and personality. In the past who I am I was not what I wanted you know? But everybody has that don't they? Well maybe unless they were self-absorbed fucks.

I don't and won't take a hit from nobody, ' I do what I want '. I live, I love, I breathe, I smoke weed. I like girls, food and cigarettes. No I don't care what people think or say. With this in mind, I could never be higher. No I don't worry about heaven, and if my sinning with not get me in the when I ' pass on ' or as I would say, die. I will riot in the ground, and bugs will eat me. I will not become a spirit and go to a place were everything is holy, were there are clouds that look like cotton candy. No here's that time for a reality check.

I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid I won't be able to live before that day comes. I want to know that when my time does come, I'm ready to leave all what I have behind.

2010-02-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls pants. Use it to get into their heads

2010-02-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

Skin and bones is all you're made of. No wonder ghosts follow you around, you have no soul

2010-02-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

"There's a familiar progression to the similar lives that we all lead. We're trying hard to become someone we can't be. You wont find grace without honesty. Everyone wants reality so here it is; I believe that nobody is good. We are liars and thieves, we're destroying the peace but we're trying"

2010-02-16T14:22:00.000-08:00

I found you naked in the woods

2010-02-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

We are just misguided ghosts

2010-02-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

"You linger in the shadow of my mind. Your words are like ghosts cast upon my soul that I cannot seem to reach a lot of the time. You opened my eyes to deeper levels of meaning and cast a spell on my vision; everything in my life became gold. You’re on my mind quantities of the time, but I am not sure how to reach you when you’re not even there half of the time. Let me take a second to rewind these images in my mind, and make them what they used to be. Everything in this life is beautiful, everything in this life is beautiful. We are the choosers of what we want to see. Tell me what is it that you see?"-Amber Haiku

Truth be told

2010-02-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

"Everyone leaves sooner or later. When will these feelings suffice? I am not sure it ever will, cause each time it still affects me the same as last time. I’m left with the feelings of everything that still torments me to this day"-Amber Haiku

2010-02-06T14:41:00.001-08:00

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society"

2010-02-06T14:39:00.001-08:00

"I am so much better off without so many things and I am no longer bitter about the thought of how desperate you are for love, and acceptance. Keep starving and I’ll keep sitting here satisfied with everything I am creating. You’ll be alone in a matter of time but you’re such a beautiful thing of destruction. You can’t save the fucking world; I think my life is living proof, but do things the way it’s suited to your needs. Honestly, how fucking happy are you knowing that you lose everything in your life because they are NOT suited to your needs. Stop building your life around others and start building it around yourself. You are drowning in your own ignorance."

2010-02-03T16:35:00.001-08:00

"Everything you ever told me were lies.. Regardless of what you say and I have ever said to you. I came here with nothing and you told me that you had everything to offer, I believed you in a sense of needing to find an escape from the reality I had created for the past 2 years. I thought I could become your reality, I thought you could be my escape, and you were until I made the subtle realization that only I could do such a thing. When the fuck did I become so undignified past the point of losing myself? Everything in my life became so repetitive and I found certain placements and became so un-situated to the point of wanting to destroy everything I knew and that is what I have spent the last while doing. I have finally acknowledged everything that I need to know and there is no where to go from here but the top" -Amber haiku

2010-01-31T23:49:00.000-08:00

Broke is the new black

2010-01-31T17:30:00.000-08:00

What are you so fucking afraid of

2010-01-31T17:29:00.000-08:00

There is no god

2010-01-31T17:28:00.000-08:00

"look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive"

2010-01-31T17:24:00.000-08:00

and suddenly, we didn't believe

2010-01-31T17:22:00.000-08:00

I will sleep when im dead

2010-01-31T17:17:00.000-08:00

Its only getting worse

2010-01-31T17:12:00.000-08:00

The people who deserve nothing are handed everything

2010-01-31T17:07:00.000-08:00

Destroy what destroys you

2010-01-29T12:31:00.001-08:00

Stop telling people you are fine. You arn't fine. You haven't been fine since you were a kid; you haven't been fine since you started piecing the world together. It's all quite a mess isn't it? Everyone seems to have lost sight of their own humanity. You haven't been fine since that first day that you felt powerless. You remember that day. You fell to the floor of your bedroom and cried for two days before anyone came looking for you. You were crying for the world that day, and you were crying the loss of your obliviousness. Itis almost eight years since that day and you might finally be ready, ready to help mend this place that has lost its way. You will work everyday for the rest of your life, trying to be honest when you say, "im fine"

The bastards tied me down

2010-01-28T23:57:00.000-08:00

"You may continue to call it a breakup. I will continue to call it an exorcism"

The fury of war

2010-01-28T23:30:00.000-08:00

You can try and hold me back. Build your damn walls, pack sandbags along the edges and yell at the clouds and the rain and the sky to stop.

But I will not relent. I will reach you. Because I am the sea. And I will continue to love you no matter what

2010-01-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

I saw you looking up from sweeping the floor and reading the notice board with the poster about someone winning a holiday for being the hardest working person in the company. I saw you sigh and walk away. I saw the poster was lying